In a press conference on Thursday morning, the Secretary General of the United Nations has vowed to use both capital letters and bold text in a strongly worded letter to President Assad’s Syrian government over their ‘alleged’ use of chemical weapons on civilians.

Speaking to reporters, Dr Jerome Fuqal added that the UN was ‘very, very cross to the maximum possible extent allowed by the Russian delegation within the organisation.’

Dr Fuqal said: ‘We don’t believe the version of events that has been offered so far. There was no rebel-operated chemical weapons factory in the area that was struck somehow.’

‘This sort of explanation is a perfect example of Blair’s Theorem and we’re not buying it.’

‘We have now reached the maximum level of potential action discussion that we have provision for. It’s clear that a strongly worded letter to President Assad won’t be appropriate on this occasion.’

‘Therefore, we will now proceed to a strongly worded letter with lots of sentences in capital letters to ensure that our dissatisfaction is registered.’

‘We will also use bold typeface for phrases such as ‘you murdering cunts.’

‘Our reprographics department will laminate the letter before it is sent off to ensure that they can’t just tear it up and throw it away.’

In a late development, it has emerged that a furious row took place on Wednesday evening at an extraordinary meeting of the UN Security Council that was arranged to discuss the ever-worsening humanitarian crisis.

A source said: ‘The delegate from Egypt insisted that Comic Sans should be used to ensure that the letter maintains a stern but friendly tone, however the member representing the Ukraine was having none of it.’

‘According to him, this style would be inappropriate as it is a message condemning a large-scale government-led genocide and not a pre-school display about eating a variety of fruit and vegetables.’

‘After an hour of much shouting and fist-banging, an emergency resolution was passed to ensure that all communications on this matter would be strictly kept to Times New Roman.’