An insider within The White House has confirmed that President Donald Trump’s so-called ‘Big Nuclear Button’ is only attached to a loudspeaker that plays a ‘bang, boom, whoosh’ noise every time it is pressed.
It is thought that the real button has been buried 500 feet under The Pentagon for safety reasons.
The insider said: ‘When it was first installed, we wired it up to the actual intercontinental ballistic missile launch system for the United States, but as soon as this whole North Korea thing started we quickly took steps to protect the entire planet from total destruction.’
’The guys in the lab sneaked into the Oval Office one night, and then when the inevitable happened last Thursday and he hit it in anger he sat back in his chair and listened to what he thought was the annihilation of most of the Korean Peninsular.’
’He got a bit suspicious at one point and demanded to see video evidence, so we played him a clip from an old Road Runner cartoon with Wile E. Coyote hitting the ground from a great height.’
’He saw the resulting dust cloud and clapped his hands while shouting, ‘That was a bang. That was a very big bang. That bang was huge. Let me tell you. Huge.’
’The button system has been upgraded in the last few days to cover a variety of situations.’
’It plays a splashing sound every time he tries to launch a submarine, and whenever he demands the mobilisation of the US Air Force he hears an 11-second recording of a young mother trying to feed a toddler a spoon of puréed apple by saying ‘here comes the airplane’ and making a ‘neeeeeeeeeow’ noise.’
According to a news release from South Korean HipHap News Agency, there has been a great deal of frustration in Pyongyang after the Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un’s nuclear button simply played a ‘waa waaaaaaaa’ trombone sound.
In a further development, an administrative error meant that the button was also alerting the nearby Juicy Juche Juice Bar that Kim wanted a Green Goddess Deluxe with extra kale – a beverage that is strictly reserved for senior party officials.