A spokesperson for Sky Sports News has confirmed that a special programme will be running for the entirety of Transfer Deadline Day where a large team of presenters will simply masturbate furiously while news of every loan deal and permanent move appears on screen in capital letters.

With a simultaneous broadcast running in Ultra HD for Sky Q customers, Transfer Deadline Day: Shuffle and Strum is shaping up to be the channel’s most-watched programme in history.

Their spokesman added: ‘As a seasoned football fan, if your thing is watching a variety of men dressed as estate agents screaming to the point of orgasm about a full-back’s £20,000 move from Darlington to Wrexham, you’ve come to the right place.’

‘As an added extra, if you want to join in the fun at home we have a line up of some of TV’s most beautiful women seductively staring down the camera lens while over-emphasising words like ‘Bosman’ and ‘Undisclosed.’

The shows sponsor Kleenex added: ‘All 92 on location reporters will be issued with a travel pack of tissues just in case the drama gets too much and they need to knock one out.’

‘To be fair, some moron behind them will probably be making the ‘wanker’ sign anyway.’

‘The guy at Birmingham City will have an extra four packs because Harry Redknapp.’

Speaking to our Chief Reporter through a car window, Redknapp said: ‘I seen the young fella from Sky what will be having the marathon hand shandy already.’

‘By the time I’m done tonight he’ll have one arm like Popeye and be walking like John Wayne.’