SEETS (South East Essex Trading Standards) have announced that they will be launching an immediate investigation into Adventure Island and the Southend Lagoon after more than 500 complaints were received from members of the public. 

According to SEETS spokesperson Roger P Dant, there are ‘serious concerns’ that Adventure Island is technically not actually an island. Furthermore, an allegation has been received that the Southend Lagoon is actually a load of rocks with some water in the middle. 

Mr Dant spoke EXCLUSIVELY to our Chief Reporter this afternoon. He said: ‘We sent one of our investigators undercover to Adventure Island, and he was shocked to discover that the entire theme park is connected to the mainland from the mini-golf area all the way down to the radio station building.’

‘According to the HM Land Registry of Definitions 2009, an island can only be referred to as such when it is entirely surrounded by water. Unless it can be proved that Southend residents cannot pronounce ‘peninsular,’ we will consider instigating legal proceedings.’

‘We have considered taking a similar approach towards Canvey Island as well, but they have enough problems as it is.’

We asked Mr Dant for clarification about complaints received relating to the newly-opened Southend Lagoon.’

He said: ‘According to the 2014 reference paper ‘What Is A Lagoon?’ this term can be applied to somewhere nice and blue with enclosed areas of water and little coconut drinks with umbrellas sticking out of them.’

‘We need to conduct our own investigations, but Southend Lagoon looks like a collection of rocks that will hinder the town’s yachting community.’