Around 100 people stopped to watch a tracksuit-wearing couple have a HUGE ARGUMENT with appalling grammar in Southend High Street this morning – the ‘borderline’ civil disturbance took place on the pavement outside Costa Coffee at around 7.50am. According to witnesses at the scene, a male and a female in their early twenties were engaged in a ‘heated and violent’ exchange over who was supposed to be taking their young child to school this morning, and the row only started after the father had carefully placed his can of Skol out of harm’s way on the ground.

Maisie Duke was walking to work when she stopped to witness the incident, and she said: ‘I was just sending a text message when I heard someone scream ‘you was supposed to be taking him to school now in a bit,’ and by the time I had turned around and interpreted her sentence the scene had escalated into a screaming match. Her partner was trying to stop their Staffordshire Terrier from frothing at the mouth and attacking a nearby Bichon Frise, but at one stage I’m pretty sure I heard him bellow ‘he ain’t even mine you said me yesterday last night you b*tch.’ He kept walking away with the dog like he had something inserted up his bottom and he was doing a chimney sweep hard-nut dance from the East End, but every time he returned to continue the argument.’

Ms Duke continued: ‘When the couple started fighting, the friction caused by their tracksuits  rubbing together set their clothing on fire and both of them turned into a deadly fireball within seconds – someone from the coffee shop saw the flames and ran outside with a fire extinguisher. Unfortunately, they made a mistake and used the electrical one which was full of carbon dioxide, and their Sports Direct outfits disintegrated within seconds to expose tattoos that declared their misspelt everlasting ‘loaf’ for each other.’

A police spokesperson said: ‘We are unable to intervene in a domestic matter, but we would advise all couples in a similar situation to remove their tracksuits before starting an argument for safety reasons.’


  1. I was the distinguished gentleman biker sitting in the coffeehouse correcting all their mistakes under my breath. It was making my piss boil to be honest.