A spokesperson for Theresa May has confirmed that one of her first items on the agenda will be to announce a series of ‘sanctions’ for South Essex. More details will be made available shortly after she begins her role as Prime Minister on Wednesday. 

Nigel Buttons MP said: ‘It is no secret that South Essex had a very high level of support for the Vote Leave campaign, and this upsets Mrs May enormously. Although our last female Prime Minister was very fond of Essex Mondeo Man, 2016 South Essex citizens are not going to be so lucky.’

‘All road maintenance budgets will be frozen immediately for the southern part of the county, and soon citizens will have a referendum to decide whether they want to keep the A127 or the A13 – they can’t have both.’

‘After consulting with Kent County Council, we have also decided to nudge the explosive wreck of the SS Montgomery over to the beach at Shoeburyness – Kent has been forced to live with this burden for too long.’

‘There will shortly be a toll increase to £5.00 per car at the Dartford Crossing when the cameras detect a number plate that has been registered to an address in Southend, Castle Point, Rochford, Basildon or Thurrock. Motorists will be able to avoid these extra charges by not leaving the county.’

We asked about the long-term aims for the government’s South Essex agenda. He said: ‘Eventually, we will be looking to separate South Essex politically from the rest of the county and even the country, with Jaywick becoming a South Essex satellite state. Think of it as Vichy France but with fewer vineyards.’

‘As an independent nation, South Essex will be free to make up its own laws without burdening the rest of the UK with its own stupidity.’

While Mrs May was giving a speech last night at a fundraising dinner for The London Puppies and Orphans Repatriation Foundation, we asked her if she was concerned about her 105-point South Essex plan turning the area into a third-world nation.

She said: ‘Do I look like I give a shit? Seriously.’