The Prime Minister Theresa May has confirmed that a second referendum on the United Kingdom’s membership of the European Union will be held in March 2018. 

The announcement was made hours after the ex-leader of UKIP Nigel Farage told the nation that a second vote would ‘kill the argument between Leave and Remain voters for good.’

Mrs May said: ‘Following the comments of Farage this morning, we held an emergency meeting of COBRA, and it was decided that this course of action actually makes sense.’

’Therefore, in March 2018 on a date to be announced, a second EU referendum will be carried out.’

’However, there will be a number of special conditions – first of all, the voting slips will be labelled to avoid all doubt.’

’The first part will say ‘Remain In The European Union – This means that we stay inside it and we don’t leave it.’

’The second part will say ‘Leave The European Union – This means that we will leave it, no fucking around.’

’Furthermore, in the two weeks leading up to the vote, all politicians will be locked in a large shipping container and dropped to the bottom of The Thames, and Nigel Farage will be seconded to the International Space Station.’

’Also, every household in Britain will receive a book called ‘What Is The European Union’ and it will be written by Sir David Attenborough so everyone will know that it’s bollocks-free.’

’Finally, all voters will be required to complete a registration form from the Electoral Commission, and everyone will be required to write the sentence ‘Sovereignty is a key issue that could decide this vote.’

’Anyone who spells sovereignty with a ‘U’ will be struck off the register.’