After the recent announcement that Asda will start selling boxes of ‘Wonky Vegetables’ for £3.50, a group of the major supermarket chains in Essex have announced that they intend to start selling boxes of vegetables in the shape of male and female private parts – it is hoped that along with feeding a family for a whole week, the boxes will also encourage a healthy level of conversation between children and their parents about the facts of life.
Charles La Bia is the chairman of the Pips and Nips Initiative, and he is incredibly confident about the impact that the misshaped vegetables will have on family life and one of the great taboos of talking about sex with parents. He said: ‘Throughout my whole childhood, I can remember pulling a parsnip out of a box with what looked like fully-developed testicles and a penis, and whenever I asked my parents why it looked like my ‘downstairs area’ they just told me to go back to my Nintendo. By providing this huge financial incentive to hard-working families, bearing in mind that each veg box will have enough erotically-shaped vegetables to feed a family of six for a week, we know that children will come into contact with enough source material to develop a complete understanding of ‘the birds and the bees.’
He added: ‘Every box will come with a colourful booklet that will really appeal to the 4-11 age range, and this will include fun activities that will introduce them to our expertly-researched Pips and Nips characters. Peeny Parsnip is going to strike a chord with boys who are just starting to become sexually-aware, while ‘Messy Cress and the Shirt Potatoes’ is a fun and lively pop group that will help young girls who are about to enter a very awkward and scary time of their lives. With all the vitamins and minerals that they will be getting in their diets, they will grow up to be in the best possible position to use this newfound knowledge.’
A spokesperson for the Essex Educational Consortium confirmed that if the trial is successful, sexual education content will be removed from the curriculum of every school in the county – it is estimated that this measure will save around £200,000 per year in teaching costs and other associated reductions.
However, it would appear that not everyone is so enthusiastic about the vegetable boxes. Jemima Prune emailed us to say: ‘I have three children in the Pips and Nips target age range, and I am horrified that they will learn about their changing bodies in this manner. There is plenty of material available on the Internet that they could watch instead while I am making the dinner or watching my soaps.’
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