A joint statement has been released by all of the UK’s main supermarket chains to confirm that an URGENT RECALL has been issued for sprouts. 

It read: ‘Anybody who purchased sprouts either loose or packaged throughout December should return them to the original supermarket for an immediate refund.’

‘We have been forced to act after a woman from Essex returned to her local Tesco customer service desk and reported that they were ‘fucking vile.’

‘We conducted ten random sprout checks yesterday across all retailers, and we can confirm that they are indeed fucking vile.’

‘She added that a test run for Christmas dinner last week made her ‘blow off her bedcovers’ – we have taken this factor into consideration.’

Jordan Choo is the chief executive of Sprowston Sprouts, the Norfolk manufacturer responsible for 100% of the UK’s annual sprout production. 

He said: ‘We have shipped more than ten billion sprouts since we opened in 1974, and it has only recently come to our attention that they taste like a donkey’s anus.’

‘You would think that things would get better after peeling back each layer, but anyone thinking that there is some sort of delicious Ferrero Rocher-like centre will be sorely disappointed.’

Mr Choo was arrested shortly after this interview.