A group of concerned Waitrose shoppers have written to Southend Borough Council to express their ‘horror’ about the proposed new stadium development at Fossett’s Farm in Southend.

According to the current plans for the new stadium that have now been submitted, the proposed arena will be ‘a stone’s throw’ away from the supermarket that is currently frequented by those who genuinely believe that the man who officiates football matches is referred to as ‘the umpire.’

The chairman of Protect Southend Waitrose’s Serenity (PSWS) is Henry Fellatio-Jones, and he told Southend News Network that the development would make shopping at Southend Waitrose ‘a nightmare’ on match days.

He added: ‘What idiot thought that it would be a good idea to build a football stadium so close to a branch of Waitrose. To put things into perspective, it would be like relocating the Badminton Horse Trials to the waste land behind Lidl on Woodgrange Drive.’

‘If Southend Council approves these plans, Waitrose will be unbearable whenever they are at home. Why on Earth should I have to queue up to pay for my shopping behind a load of ippedyoys struggling to understand the ingredients in the sandwiches.’

‘My wife’s nephew watches soccer all the time, and he thinks that Quinoa is pronounced ‘potatoes.’

Meanwhile, a growing number of Southend fans are convinced that the overgrown fields behind the blue hoardings on Sutton Road are in fact the completed new stadium complex.

Gary Fuch-Weet has been going to matches at Roots Hall since he was seven years old, and he told Southend News Network that he believes that the Shrimpers will be playing in a field to ‘set an example’ in the field of ecologically friendly football stadiums.

He added: ‘That must be true. The boards light up at night and everything.’