The people of Southend have collectively come together and collectively declared that they do not give a collective fuck about Jamie Oliver and all of his famous friends using Southend Pier as some sort of ‘fascinating’ backdrop for preparing a wide variety of wanky dishes.
Barry Anybody from Southend Seafront has been running Barry’s Chippy since 1987, and he feels that The Naked Chef’s presence is just the latest stage of a process that will eventually end in Jamie Oliver being awarded his own annual parade in place of the Southend Airshow.
Barry added: ‘Jamie Oliver is back in Southend? Hold on a minute while I check to see if it still 2007, as then I will know whether or not to get excited.’
‘This will all end in some sort of annual Jamie Oliver festival, mark my words. Floats depicting 15-minute meals, lingerie-clad Turkey Twizzler models … the works.’
Southend Head of Celebrity Sycophancy Hermione Nibble added that the town’s council was literally ‘at the point of climax’ because of the latest filming for Jamie and Friends on the pier.
She added: ‘If we weren’t so worried about the cliffs subsiding and falling into the sea, we would build a permanent museum to Jamie right on the seafront. However, the next casino to submit a planning application will only be approved if they agree to build an Oliveroleum on top.’
Three local synagogues confirmed that they will shortly be undergoing conversion to the faith of Pukkaism.