It has been decided that Southend News Network will be closing for good on February 1st 2018.

The reason for this decision is that after months of falling reach and visitors through our Facebook page, the social media network’s founder Mark Zuckerberg has announced that over the course of 2018 users’ news feeds will see a further drop in ‘page’ content in favour of posts from individuals’ accounts such as friends and family.

Therefore, with no prospects of the situation improving within the near future, we have taken the difficult decision to stop publishing permanently from this date.

In order to ensure that Southend News Network’s 67,000+ Facebook following isn’t wasted entirely, from the beginning of February the page will be rebranded to take into account the  only subject areas that seem to be treated favourably by Facebook’s news feed algorithm at the present time.

After two weeks of research, it is with a heavy heart that we announce that Southend News Network will become Southend Weight Loss Pyramid Schemes, Islamophobia and Ambiguous Rants At You Know Who You Are Network.

These three core subject areas have been determined by analysing the news feeds of more than 30,000 volunteers.

We then discounted anything that had been published by a ‘page account’ instead of an individual user, and the end result was that 94% of all posts fell into one of these categories.

We are however delighted to announce that YOU have the chance to take an active role in the content output of Southend Weight Loss Pyramid Schemes, Islamophobia and Ambiguous Rants At You Know Who You Are Network.

First of all, you will be able to submit the finest examples of Facebook Community Standards-untouched Islam-hating memes directly to the page inbox – if you need material you can simply look on the timeline of anyone amongst your Facebook friends who has recently added you even though you probably haven’t seen them since you were at school and have always thought that they were a bit of a twat anyway.

In certain circumstances, we will also be able to accept memes that are anti-EU in nature, but only when they include an image of Jean Claude-Juncker laughing in a situation that is taken entirely out of context.

We also looking for exactly, precisely and specifically ten mummy weight loss pyramid scheme entrepreneurs to write for us – not nine, not eleven – may Jesus Christ strike us down if we deviate from the intended ten writers.

Priority will be given to applicants whose weight loss product of choice contains the highest percentage of otter placenta, as well as those with both WiFi internet access and a dream.

It is with regret that we are unable to consider those on a cabled ethernet connection at the present time.

Also, if having your own pink Mercedes and the chance to go to an annual conference that wouldn’t look out of place within the Church of Scientology is more of an ‘ambition’ than a ‘dream,’ then it’s a ‘no’ from us.

We are confident that SWLPSIAARAYKWYAN will be a roaring success, but as a back up plan we are also prepared to switch over to Look What Absolute Bundle Of Joy Shot Out Of My Clownhole from the end of August.

Yours in anticipation,

Chief Reporter

PS: If you are reading this because it is the first Southend News Network article that has appeared on your news feed in God knows how long, then we have pretty much proved that it’s all a big pile of wank …