Person voting

A SHOCK exit poll carried out by Southend News Network shows that UKIP candidates are expected to win seats in ALL 17 WARDS within Southend Borough Council’s area – this means that the council could become the first UKIP-controlled council in the United Kingdom. According to in-depth surveys that were carried out in conjunction with the exit poll, the top reason given for voting for a UKIP candidate was the upcoming trial of three ‘Modesty Beach Areas’ in the town where women would be required to cover up while sunbathing for cultural and religious reasons. 

Our Chief Reporter spoke to Chalkwell resident Ronald Crumpetz shortly after he had voted, and he made it clear that the so-called ‘bikini ban’ was the deciding factor. He said: ‘Like a lot of people in this town, I have been swaying from Labour to Tory for many years now, but this sunbathing madness has pushed me over the edge and I realised that it was time to vote for a candidate who is committed to stopping this kind of thing. They may even have ideas about other policy areas as well, and that would just be the icing on the cake! Some people are going to call me this, that and the other for admitting who I voted for, but I am proud to be British and taking a stand against all that rubbish.’

In a brief comment, party leader Nigel Farage confirmed that he was ‘bloody delighted’ with the projected projections for Southend Council. He added: ‘The fine town of Southend already has purple flags all over the place, so this must have been fate you know. I’ll be visiting the area as soon as I can to buy everyone a pint!’


  1. Outrageous – I simply shudder at the prospect of Nigel Farage in his bikini buying everyone a pint on the beach.