A spokesperson for Southend Council has confirmed that a SIX-WEEK evening course will begin in early July for residents who are confused by the new recycling arrangements. According to the recently-formed Southend Borough Domestic Waste Enlightenment Foundation, the ‘intense and hard-going’ study programme will allow local residents to handle their pink sacks, blue boxes, food caddies, green wheelie bins and black bags with absolute ease.

SBDWEF spokesperson Horace Perplexton said: ‘For a very reasonable fee of £99, adult learners will be led on a diverse and fascinating course of study that will give them every necessary piece of information about Southend’s new recycling arrangements. We have conducted research, and it has shown that for every five learners who enrol the volume of irate and threatening phone calls to the council will decrease by 1% – our project will create the model green citizens of the future. From our purpose-built gazebo outside of The Forum in Southend Town Centre, learners will have six sessions of two hours across six weeks, and the course will finish with an examination and practical assessment.’

Mr Perplexton added: ‘Everyone who completes the course successfully will receive a CV-boosting NVQ Level 1 qualification in Municipal Faffery, and it will be the perfect stepping stone to further studies or a degree in Urban Waste Sortation and Self-Fulfilment. If the course has enough interest, we will continue to run the programme throughout the rest of 2016.’

SBDWEF Course Timetable:

  • WEEK ONE: How to tell the difference between glass, food, paper and plastic. 
  • WEEK TWO: How to avoid losing a finger in the locking mechanism on the blue box. 
  • WEEK THREE: How to poison small urban animals who seem to think that the blue food caddies contain whatever their equivalent of crack cocaine is. 
  • WEEK FOUR: How to effectively contact the local authority and let them know that your paper box is still full up, even though you live right on a main road and put the box in a place where it would be harder to miss it than see it. 
  • WEEK FIVE: How to weep uncontrollably while angrily firing off a angry letter to a local newspaper about how things were better when you just chucked everything in a single black bag and didn’t want to go all ‘Bono’ about it. 
  • WEEK SIX: Examination, practical assessment and social gathering at The Last Post. 


  1. “WEEK FOUR: How to effectively contact the local authority”

    They can teach you this in a week?
    I am surprised!