A spokesperson for the South Essex NHS Emergency Partnership Coalition Regime has confirmed that ambitious plans to shake-up accident and emergency care in the region will go ahead.
After a marathon four-hour crisis meeting on Friday night, it was decided that all current plans to create a ‘Super A&E’ in Basildon and downgrade Southend will be scrapped in favour of creating a large ‘Pisshead and Crackhead Processing Unit’ in Basildon Town Centre.
Jeremy Chumberland of the SENHSEPC told our Chief Reporter that handling people who decide to get off their tits and just bollocks up the NHS for everyone else in a dedicated PCPU will save enough money and time to scrap every single ‘Success Regime’ proposal.
He added: ‘The Basildon PCPU will be a state-of-the-art facility that will be located in a disused retail unit in the Westgate centre, and people under the influence from all over South Essex will be bundled into taxis and sent there.’
‘Even with the potential for a £100 soilage charge plus the normal Hackney Carriage fare per trip, it will still be cheaper than dispatching an ambulance full of people who are highly skilled medical professionals.’
‘It will also allow them to deal with trivial matters like heart attacks, strokes and road-traffic accidents.’
We asked Mr Chumberland how the Basildon PCPU will be funded, and he excitedly told us that a ‘revolutionary new funding system’ would be in place.
He said: ‘The PCPU and the associated taxi fares will be funded exclusively by licensed premises in South Essex who run Drink Until You Bleed And We Will Plaster Your Vomit Spattered Face All Over Social Media Nights.’
‘We have partnered up with GCHQ to monitor Facebook accounts for anyone who makes comments like ‘on it tonight’ and ‘pre-drinks for the win with my besties’ as these are the utter thundershites who will probably end up in the PCPU.’
‘Off licences selling Special Brew for less than a packet of Haribo will be asked to contribute as well.’
‘We will also be asking local known drug dealers for contributions, and we are arranging this through our mutual contact Big Barry from the Kursaal Estate.’