After a joint investigation with the Rochdale Herald, Southend News Network can reveal that a shocking 100% of vegans contain meat in one form or another – the news has led to one vegan fundamentalist vowing to become entirely meat-free by 2030.
The groundbreaking research project was carried out with the assistance of the Benfleet Institute of Studies, and Professor Walter Viennetta told our Chief Reporter that many of the UK’s vegans are unaware that they are made up of a variety of prime cuts.
Professor Viennetta added: ‘We studied 100 vegans closely in a small-to-medium hadron collider, and we were shocked to observe that there were at least traces of meat in every single one of them.’
‘In every case, meat could be found surrounding bones, joints and cartilage – one test subject in particular contained more animal fat than the new £5 note.’
Natasha Holland-Barrett is head of the Essex branch of the Vegan Action Guild, and she admitted that the findings of our research had shocked her to the very core.
She said: ‘I took a huge decision shortly after hearing the news. Basically, I am going to be a pioneer in the field of meat-free human creation, and I intend to become the first member of my species to not contain a single trace of meat.’
We asked her how she thinks that this will be achievable, and she was adamant that medical science is ‘incredibly close’ to finding a solution.
She added: ‘The first step has already been achieved in a laboratory in the USA where a domestic rat managed to survive for three days with all of its muscular tissue swapped for Facon (this is artificial bacon).’
‘I will be travelling over to California in January for a preliminary procedure that involves my left buttock being swapped for a quorn fillet. If my body doesn’t reject the mycoprotein slice, then I truly believe that the sky is the limit.’