Shocking evidence has come to light after TFL refused to renew Uber’s operating license that drivers for the company often ‘get lost, eat babies, and were probably responsible for both world wars and a small percentage of the destruction of Alderon.’
A damning dossier was handed over to Southend News Network on Saturday by Tony Antoniou of Cabs and Cabbing Magazine.
He said: ‘We have evidence to prove that not only have Uber drivers been consuming live infants while at the wheel of their death trap Mercedes vehicles, but also that they also had fare-paying passengers at the time.’
‘Also, we have re-assessed the evidence from 1914, and it is now abundantly clear that Archduke Ferdinand was actually shot by an Uber fella called Mohammed from Highgate.’
‘Any licensed black cabbie will back this up. Well they will after spending 20 minutes explaining why they voted Leave anyway.’
In a further shocking development, a young girl from Croydon told Southend News Network that she caught the Uber booking app staring at her after she got out of her shower wearing just a towel.
Speaking to our Chief Reporter under the condition of anonymity, she said: ‘I stepped back into my bedroom from the en-suite, and all of a sudden I heard heavy breathing and a voice whispering ‘get ’em out bitch.’
‘I approached my bedside table and noticed that my iPhone 6 was standing up with the Uber app open.’
‘Personally I’ll be delighted to see the back of Uber.’
‘As someone who earns minimum wage, I’ve always thought that private car travel was way too affordable anyway.’