Police in Merseyside have vowed to ‘step up’ the search for Steven Gerrard’s Premier League Winners medal, with the cross-agency search now entering its 19th year.
Supt. Gerry Ferry spoke at a packed press conference earlier this morning, and he promised that the retirement of the greatest footballer in the history of the universe ever will not have an impact on the hunt.
He added: ‘We have searched all over the country for Sir Steven’s Premier League Winners medal, but so far I am sorry to say that it still hasn’t showed up.’
‘Merseyside Police would like to issue a full and frank apology for the lack of progress so far. In spite of the efforts from Sky Sports and BT Sport to confirm that Lord Gerrard is the greatest human in the history of civilisation, we have failed to uncover this vital piece of evidence.’
A statement from the Football Association confirmed that the rules of the game will be changed shortly to ensure that anyone playing for Liverpool is automatically given the title of ‘legend.’
It added: ‘It has come to our attention that there are still a number of Liverpool players who have not earned lifelong recognition of their awesomeness because they have pulled on a Liverpool shirt at least once.’
‘Because of this, we are instructing all FA-affiliated media outlets to dedicate at least 98% of all football output to Liverpool FC and the history of Liverpool FC.’
A source at BT Sport confirmed that their 4K Ultra HD channel will be rebranded as Liverpool FC 4K UHD in order to comply with the new rules, while Sky Sports told us that they are already complying with this requirement.
In a separate development, a petition for the British national anthem to be changed to You’ll Never Walk Alone has already attracted seven signatures, and a spokesperson for the Parliamentary Parliament Commission for Parliament has said that they are prepared to waive the ‘100,000 signature rule’ due to exceptional circumstances and debate the issue in the House of Commons.