The unseasonably hot Bank Holiday weather has left a 58-year-old Essex man with racist tendencies darker than the people that he wants to send home.
Shortly after 8am on Tuesday, Arthur King from Southend made the shocking discovery after spotting his own reflection in the bathroom mirror and screaming at himself to go back where he bloody well came from.
Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to our Chief Reporter, he admitted that he has been left ‘confused’ by the experience.
He said: ‘Like many people of my generation, I love nothing more than sitting outside my local seafront drinking pit on a scorching hot Bank Holiday Monday with my skin slathered in Crisp ‘n’ Dry.’
‘Anything else from Boots just won’t do it for me.’
‘I was particularly satisfied with my efforts this time around as it is now practically impossible to see my Winston Churchill tattoo.’
‘Anyway I walked into my bathroom this morning and spotted that I’m now three shades darker than the Indian Neurosurgery and Biomechanics specialist who lives down the road who stole my son-in-law Darryl’s job.’
‘Ordering myself to go home and then telling myself to go fuck myself has left me feeling confused and bewildered.’
‘My Staffie terrier Tyson has been looking at me funny as well.’
Things may however be looking up for Brexit-voting Arthur, after he received the news that he has been invited to a special ceremony in London in October where he will be given his country back in a presentation gift box.
According to a Home Office spokesperson, once the country has been returned in the ceremonial gathering, it will then be transported to it’s new permanent home in Basildon town centre.