Father Christmas has told a House of Commons Select Committee that with just a few weeks left until Christmas Day, he hasn’t published his Naughty Or Nice List and he also hasn’t bothered reading any of the letters that he has received from thousands of children all over the world.
The session was called by the Deputy Leader of The Labour Party and general champion of everything Tom Watson MP, and a shocked committee of MPs heard Father Christmas admit that he had ‘other stuff on’ since last December and just hadn’t got around to it.
Watson opened proceedings by asking, ‘Given that statistically 48.1% of the child population have been ‘Nice’ this year, how can you justify giving all children the same crappy lump of coal and a satsuma?’
He replied: ‘Christmas may be pretty much the biggest event in the entire calendar, but it’s been manic at the North Pole and so this year I have decided to just wing it and see what happens.’
‘Naturally I have been telling people all year that these Festive Impact Studies have all been in hand because nobody likes an absolute clusterfuck, do they?’
He rose from his chair at this point to show a series of images on a flipchart that proved just how busy he has been since Christmas 2016, including a screenshot of a custom-sized grid of Minesweeper that didn’t have one single ‘cross eyed’ face on it and a detailed ‘would’ and ‘wouldn’t’ list of every female elf under his employment.
At this point, Watson asked, ‘What do you intend to do this Christmas to ensure that billions of children all over the world do not have their special day ruined because of your total fucking incompetence?’
Father Christmas replied: ‘To be brutally honest, it’s all down to the individual parents anyway. I am more of a ‘white haired figurehead’ kind of character that just does speeches to give the impression that everything is chugging along tickety-boo like.’