Millions of people around the world are in a state of shock and sadness this evening as they struggle to come to terms with the fact that the only surviving movie-based version of Willy Wonka is the shit one.
The death of iconic actor Gene Wilder today means that by default the only surviving actor to play the role is Johnny Depp, the actor whose portrayal of Willy Wonka in 2005 was a complete and utter insult to anyone over the age of 12.
Movie fan Charles Gripe told Southend News Network that he was ‘totally beside himself with grief’ when the news broke earlier this evening.
He said: ‘Seeing Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory for the first time was without a shadow of a doubt the highlight of my childhood – Gene Wilder had absolutely everything and then heaps on top. He could sing, he could act, and he could even do both of those at the same time.’
‘I watched that movie over 50 times, and it never got old or boring. I finally gave in and bought Charlie and The Chocolate Factory on DVD in 2012 and remember thinking to myself ‘what the fuck is this emo Wonka shit?’
‘I sat there for 115 minutes of Edward fucking Scissorhands prancing around being all mysterious and deep, and I knew straight away that some utter moron would convert it into a stage show as well.’
‘In many ways, I’m delighted that they didn’t try and pull the same crap with Blazing Saddles as well. They would have probably got George Clooney to play The Waco Kid and his dramatic pauses to look into the distance would have turned it into a four-hour epic.’