A group of incredibly loud moped riders who are often spotted and heard around the streets of Rochford and Hockley have been confirmed this evening as members of the pioneering South Essex Fuckwit Outreach Scheme. According to the mission statement of SEFOS, the community-based programme offers troubled individuals the opportunity to ride an anti-social and generally moronic piece of shit through heavily-populated areas after 10pm.
Geoff Nambo is chairman of SEFOS, and he spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Southend News Network earlier this evening. He said: ‘We provide a soothing a therapeutic solution to some of our most vulnerable members of society. They came from all sorts of backgrounds, and we provide them with a moped and a learner’s sticker – the rest is essentially up to them.’
‘Our researchers have found that the majority of social personality disorders can be kept under effective control by behaving in a way that the rest of society would consider to be a bit twattish. On the average SEFOS night ride, we manage to awaken approximately 125 babies and small children, and we are still compiling evidence relating to terrorising the elderly population.’
‘We are also trialling an advanced version of the scheme where we teach advanced moped driving skills that not only promote good mental wellbeing, but also endanger the lives of every other motorist and pedestrian in the area. If our members can then entice a car driver into doing something really risky in order to stop themselves careering into a brick wall or a group of people, we can make an even stronger case for increased government funding.’
In a late development, a spokesperson for Rochford District Council has confirmed that an agreement has been reached to leave the car park at Hockley Woods unlocked on certain evenings every week.
A local official said: ‘SEFOS approached us out of sheer desperation as their members didn’t have anywhere to go after 11pm at night to really give their engines a good thrashing while remaining stationary, and as part of our commitment to boosting mental health levels in the area we were only too happy to assist.’