Representatives from the retail industry have been expressing their SHOCK today after the sofa retailer DFS announced that they will be having a sale covering their entire range of sofas.
A spokesperson for DFS said: ‘In the United Kingdom, there is a long and proud tradition of only paying the full manufacturer’s recommended retail price for sofas, but all of that is about to change with our revolutionary new pricing structure.’
‘Members of the public will be able to come and visit one of our stores safe in the knowledge that there will be a large line through the original price ticket, with some sofas reduced by up to 50%.’
‘Nobody in the home furnishings retail sector has even considered this brave pricing strategy before and we are incredibly excited.’
‘If this all goes well, we may even consider extending our new strategy over the next bank holiday with TV commercials in every single possible advert slot.’
‘We will be auditioning presenters over the next few weeks. We are looking for someone with the perfect look who is half-way between Des O’Connor and Nutella if possible.’
‘Our research has also told us that the general public are becoming slightly uneasy with the idea of paying for the whole sofa upfront, and this is why we are introducing a zero percent interest-free option.’
‘Customers will be able to take delivery of their sofa and then pay off the balance over a 500-year period at 0% APR indicative, as long as they purchase a bottle of fabric cleaner and a soft brush set.’
In a further development, the retailer Sports Direct announced that their current range of enormous coffee mugs will be increased in size with a second handle added so that customers can purchase them as an alternative to a ‘bag for life.’
A spokesperson added: ‘We asked 5,000 customers what they wanted Sports Direct to introduce next, and 92% of them stated ‘bigger coffee mugs’ ahead of ‘lower prices’ and ‘humane warehouse conditions.’
However, safety campaigners have raised concerns that the larger cups could result in a small child drowning in a sea of Nescafé.