A report from the Bureau of Online Social Media Commerce has revealed that 85% of all Facebook users are more willing to buy from local businesses when they post entirely in capital letters. 

The latest BOSMC research was carried out in July using a test group of 10,000 Facebook users in South Essex, and the group’s chairman added that basic grammatical errors also increased customer enquiries by a further 10-15%. 

Chairman Graham Dumbdoon said: ‘In our experience, potential customers like to be addressed in the same manner that they use for general communication in their daily lives.’

‘For example, we noticed that one home-based specialist in exotic-flavoured acrylic nail pastes posted ‘I AM BUZZY TAKING ORDERS ALL DAY TO-DAY BUT I AM NOT TO BUSY TO SHOW YOU MY LATEST SPECIAL OFERS! PLEASE MSG ME DIRECT AS COMMENTS DONT ALWAYS SHOW ME NOTIFICATIONS.’

‘From the number of comments that we saw underneath her post, it was clear that she was getting plenty of interest. Hopefully her notification issues didn’t lead to any lost revenue generation opportunities.’

‘We looked at another person selling home-made cakes who was posting in what specialists would refer to as ‘English,’ and it was clear that her marketing message was falling on deaf ears.’

Professor Horatio Gabble is in charge of Business and Businessing at the University of Canewdon, and he welcomed the report’s findings. 

He said: ‘From what I have seen on Facebook, it doesn’t matter when people advertise entirely in capital letters as it really makes their post stand out.’

‘In my opinion, it’s only a matter of time before the major retailers cotton on and start writing all of their point of sale materials in half in English and half in utter fucking chav scrawl.’

Kerry Perry works from home selling something or other, and she told Southend News Network that posting in capital letters is working really well for her. 

She added: ‘What is the point in having a Caps Lock key if you don’t have it switched on the whole time? Loads of my friends from school don’t recognise the little letters anyway.’