Recruitment consultants across the UK have been rocked by the news that a business owner from Southend has realised that the whole concept of a ‘recruitment industry’ is total bollocks. According to a number of witnesses, the director of South Essex insurance giant Energetica Ltd Michael Pottington made this discovery when a jobseeker emailed his CV over directly, and within a few moments he was able to read this document and get an idea about how suitable he would be for a role in his business. 

Mr Pottington said: ‘The whole thing was a bit weird at first. Normally we only get CVs from a 19-year-old recruitment executive in a Burton suit, before picking a few candidates for interview that he describes as ‘a perfect fit’ or ‘utterly employable.’ We then take care of the actual employing and pay out £6000 for the privilege, and when his candidate ends up stealing a photocopier after six months and we  get rid of them the whole cycle starts again. I’ve tried advertising for vacancies in the past, and putting ‘NO AGENCIES’ in the advert seems to make these agencies even more keen to contact us. Now that we have realised that modern technology allows us to speak with jobseekers directly without setting off some sort of catastrophic chain reaction, we will be doing it more often.’

He added: ‘I even found out last week that there are entire recruitment agencies that have been set up to find recruitment consultants for other recruitment agencies and consultancies. I’m amazed that this whole concept hasn’t led to the creation of a massive black hole where the universe can’t cope with the infinite cycle of bollocks.’

Southend-based recruitment executive Dan Lastname partially agrees with the theory that recruitment is one large area of bollocks. He said: ‘To be honest, I did start to question my role in life last week when I told a candidate that their CV was inadequate for a role, and then I offered to perform a full CV makeover for £199 – I could literally feel Lucifer’s pitchfork poking my kidneys while I set up the Chip & Pin machine. I’ve noticed a lot of strange things happening in the office lately, and only yesterday a load of vacancies vanished from the window while I was giving a candidate a pre-screening pre-interview career pathway guidance session. I may have a go at being a lettings agent next as I like the idea of jumping from one lot of desperate people to another.’

At this point, Dan took us into another office to show us his collection of origami pieces made entirely from the CVs of candidates who cannot make him £6000, and he confessed that he isn’t worried about Mr Pottington’s discovery. He said: ‘We’re already way ahead of the game on this one. I sat down for a thought shower with some colleagues and we all decided that blue sky thinking will get our industry through this turbulent time.’

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