A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace has confirmed that Queen Elizabeth II will not be able to attend today’s traditional New Year’s Day service at Sandringham because of a ‘massive hangover.’
According to private aide Sir Henry Catt, Her Majesty had ‘a bit of a messy one’ and so the royals will be represented by Prince Phillip, Prince William, Prince Harry and Prince Charles.
Sir Henry added: ‘She was fine right up until she started hitting the WKD Blues. She had been on Jack and Coke all night, but we knew that there was going to be trouble when she started mixing.’
‘Her chief corgi is recovering well after she dressed him up in a miniature beefeater outfit and ordered him to ‘dance, bitch,’ and suddenly she disappeared at around 11.30pm.’
‘While everyone else was singing in the New Year, somebody found her in a bathroom reading the pattern on the tiles and constantly singing ‘God Save Me’ to the tune of the national anthem.’
‘Our chefs tried waking her up this morning with a traditional hangover cure passed down from generation to generation, but it seemed that even the Balmoral Belly Buster couldn’t sort her out in time.’
‘We respectfully ask the media to respect the family’s privacy while she sleeps it off.’