A shock poll of polls of polls carried out this afternoon has revealed that Jeremy Corbyn’s beard is the ‘clear frontrunner’ for the upcoming general election on June 8th.
The news came as Mr Corbyn vowed to remove all facial hair shortly after Prime Minister Theresa May announced that Britain will be going to the polls, stating that he felt it was ‘the only thing standing between himself and Number 10.’
Shortly after it emerged that the grey full-face strap had received 74% of the vote in the SNN opinion poll of polls of polls, he spoke to our Chief Reporter to confirm that he will be standing as an independent MP in the constituency of Canvey West ‘with a view towards progression to the premier role.’
He said: ‘The people of Britain have spoken, and this is a resounding endorsement of the fact that my presence on his face isn’t the main reason why he won’t be Prime Minister.’
‘The real reason is that nobody likes him. Well other than students, and intellectuals, and gardeners … but other than that nobody likes him.’
‘Under my assumed name of Beardy McBeardface, I will be addressing the real issues facing British people in 2017.’
‘We must protect our NHS from foreign investment and privatisation as an absolute priority, and I will campaign for zero VAT on ladies’ sanitary products and Just For Men.’
It wouldn’t be the first time that a collection of bodily hair has considered standing for government, with Maggie’s Thatch ‘a hair’s breadth away’ from taking on her mistress in Finchley in the late 1970’s.