One of the 'Dizzy Biccies' that was uncovered during the raid. With its 90% cocaine filling, these have been selling for more than £80 each on the streets.

Sheltered housing blocks across the United Kingdom are on high alert this evening after a drugs raid at Westcliff Seaview Heights uncovered £300m worth of cocaine – drug-dealing residents had concealed the massive drugs stash within ten suitcases of Custard Cream biscuits.

People living close to the clifftop housing block were woken up at 3am today by a team of 25 armed drugs officers when the raid took place, and it has been confirmed that they were acting upon intelligence received from members of the local community who were fed up with the constant loud music, visitors in the small hours, out of control parties and frequent gunshots.

Local sources confirmed that Norris Di Pickle, 87, was led away in handcuffs, and it is believed that he is the acting ‘capo’ of the North Thames Crew – one of the 17 OAP crime families that are currently known to be operating in South Essex.

Once the building and the exits had been secured, sniffer dogs led cops straight to a basement room where ten suitcases were discovered, and each of these containers held Custard Cream biscuits that concealed cocaine with a market value of £40m. After some initial enquiries at the scene, it was confirmed that these were the so-called ‘Dizzy Biccies’ that have been changing hands for more than £80 each in the pubs and clubs of Southend.

Terence Toweling, 24, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Southend News Network about how life in Shorefield Road has been a ‘living hell’ since Di Pickle arrived in the area.

He said, ‘Things have become worse and worse around here in recent months, and I started to suspect that something odd was going on in Westcliff Seaview Heights when a 90 year old resident was hanging out of a window screaming about not being able to ‘feel his teeth’ anymore.’

‘I assumed that he was referring to his dentures, but now we all know the terrible truth.’

PC Nigel Sudafed, who heads up the South Essex Narcotics Division, confirmed that these ‘Dizzy Biccies’ look exactly the same as a regular Custard Cream, and also that ‘all Southend biscuit tins should be checked thoroughly to ensure that every Custard Cream is genuine.’

A biscuit amnesty is about to start in the area, in conjunction with the Royal Mail, and until midnight on August 31st any suspicious biscuits can be left in Southend postboxes without fear of criminal charges.



  1. I am honestly not surprised! Considering the hordes of crackhead OAP’s outside of Tesco and Southend Univariety Hospital on a Thursday, after cashing their Giro and offering so called biscuits for their so called charities. It’s a disgrace.