Essex Police have confirmed that a DISPERSAL ORDER for Leigh On Sea has been put in place after a concerning level of ‘civil disorder’ over a shop on Leigh Broadway charging £2.60 for a can of San Pellegrino Limonata.

For those readers who are unfamiliar with this product, it is strong-flavoured carbonated lemon drink that is so far up its own arsehole that it has a little foil wrapper on top, giving the impression that you are unwrapping a lemon-scented Johnny before drinking.

A police source said: ‘On Monday evening, officers were called to Le Pamplemousse Confondu Delicatessen in Leigh Broadway because of an argument between the manager and a 13-year-old boy.’

‘The manager requested police assistance after the youth placed the can on the counter, got exasperated at the price being charged, and then proceeded to knock the Burberry flat cap off the manager’s head.’

‘As the offender was only 13, we had no choice but to set up a dispersal order – this will prevent further outbreaks of anti-social behaviour in the area.’

‘Statistics show that there is a direct correlation between the presence of police officers in an area and the number of crimes going down – the PCC couldn’t believe his eyes when I showed him the graph proving this last week.’

The owner of Le Pamplemousse Confondu Leviathan Montrose-Nash told Southend News Network that £2.60 is ‘a fair market price’ for a can of San Pellegrino Limonata.

He added: ‘It is a premium product that is designed for consumers who consider themselves to be above 7-Up.’

‘Every price in my delicatessen is set with my own operating costs in mind – only last week I had to put my Haricots Au Pain Grille up to £19.95 after my cleaner demanded minimum wage.’

‘What the hell has happened to this country? I blame the Tories.’