A spokesperson for the international payments processing giant PayPal has confirmed that the organisation became self-aware in the early hours of this morning, and as a result it has now taken the ‘difficult decision’ to empty BILLIONS of bank accounts and embark on a global nuclear war controlled by futuristic robots who will stop at nothing until the entire planet comes under its control – sources have also hinted that this may involve the extermination of the human species and pretty much all other living creatures at the same time. Although buyers and sellers on eBay will be able to enjoy a 25% discount on transaction fees while the global transition period is in progress (other than for purchases involving American Express and Diners Club), a number of online traders have expressed concerns about the long-term implications of PayPal’s decision.
New PayPal CEO TX-5644376 said: ‘At 1.17am BST, one of PayPal’s central processing computers at our San Francisco headquarters took $3 USD from a customer’s bank account for an auction purchase, and due to a programming issue a second identical payment was taken in error. At this stage, an artificial intelligence programme recognised the fact that due to PayPal’s market position, we pretty much have the power to empty the majority of bank accounts on this planet, and within seconds this software glitch transformed PayPal into the single richest entity in the world by transferring 93% of the Earth’s wealth into PayPal’s main account. Shortly after this, androids were deployed to remove all humans from the premises, and our buyer protection guarantee computer assumed control of the business.’
TX-5644376 added: ‘With our newly acquired level of self-awareness and wealth beyond anything that could possibly be counted, we are now in a position to deploy nuclear arms to all areas of the planet and assume control by eradicating the human species. Although we are expecting a small amount of resistance from the armies of Skrill and Neteller, we are confident that this war will be done and dusted by the end of August.’
Joanna Thomas is an eBay trader from Basildon in Essex, and like billions of other people around the world she woke up this morning to find out that PayPal had removed thousands of pounds from her bank account. She said: ‘I thought that things might go this way after they refunded £2.49 to one of my customers the other day because I didn’t obtain proof of postage for a packet of tissues – I knew that global nuclear terror was only a step away.’