Nicola Sturgeon has announced this morning that she will be calling an Autumn 2017 referendum for the people of the entire United Kingdom about whether or not she should just bugger off.

Speaking in front of a gathering of SNP politicians and fellow Special Brew enthusiasts in Edinburgh, Mrs Sturgeon added that she was ‘cautious’ about the possible consequences of losing such a referendum.

She said: ‘It is now clear that a significant number of people across the entire United Kingdom would just like to see me bugger off, and so it is time for the will of the people to be determined through a referendum.’

‘However, as leader of the SNP, I am under no illusions about the consequences of a defeat this time around.’

‘When you look at 2014 and the resounding ‘no’ vote for independence, it is clear that the whole experience reduced Alex Salmond to a gibbering man-pasty, and so I am going into this process with both eyes open.’

‘Provided that a majority of people want me to bugger off, I personally guarantee that this referendum will be legally binding forever and I will do just that. I will not call a further referendum if the external terms of my buggering off change either, because it’s a referendum innit, like for real hen.’

However, back in Westminster a number of Labour MPs have expressed doubts about Mrs Sturgeon’s idea of what a ‘real-world buggering off’ would entail.

Labour MP for Two Tree Island Jeremiah Spunkton said: ‘We need clarification in advance about whether this buggering off would be ‘soft’ or ‘hard’ in nature.’

‘While a soft buggering off could involve simply standing down as leader of the SNP and taking a job in Lidl, a hard buggering off could result in Nicola going to live in a cave in the remotest part of the Shetland Islands. We need to be clear about what we are voting for here.’

In the hour following Mrs Sturgeon’s announcement, a spokesperson for Google UK confirmed that the most searched for phrase in real-time was ‘What is the Nicola Sturgeon?’

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