The Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has announced that the NHS will be sacking 1200 qualified paediatricians over the next twelve months and introducing a new ‘treatment pathway’ where concerned parents and carers are simply given a link to a local Mummy group on Facebook.
In a speech that he delivered today, Hunt said that the move would bring down waiting times for paediatric cases by 94% due a ‘streamlined’ solution of simply posting an image of the condition and commenting ‘what u fink it is shud I go doctors or Boots?’
He added: ‘This is Phase One of a long-term plan to provide a wide variety of services in one single online location.’
‘The best thing about Facebook Mummy groups is that once a prescription has been issued by the group admin over PM in case they don’t get notifications for all of their comments, a social services referral can also be obtained if anyone admits that they have put a bottle of baby milk in the microwave.’
‘In the event that there are two or seventeen different diagnoses by group members, an admin user can then make a decision based upon whoever has used the highest number of emojis.’
‘It is important to remember that the nature of the NHS has evolved as we approach the third decade of the century.’
‘While there was a time when a minimum of five years in medical school and some sort of practical experience was all that was required to become a leading figure in the global arena of paediatrics, the fact remains that modern medical thinking revolves around a gut feeling and the fact that an image might look a bit like what your mate Shell’s cousin’s sister’s friend’s friend’s kid had once.’
We asked an NHS South Essex if parents should also harness the power of Google when trying to seek medical assistance.
A spokesperson replied: ‘We strongly urge members of the public to ignore the world’s biggest search engine and instead refer to the semi-literate ramblings of Take A Break readers.’