In a dramatic late change to the ongoing consultation process, a spokesperson for the Department of Transport has confirmed that all proposed designs and locations for a third Thames crossing have been SCRAPPED in favour of a revolutionary idea that will see thousands of acres of land reclaimed from The Thames – the shocking plans will see a huge new ‘city’ created between Essex and Kent. As part of the £45bn project, the 10 LANE M25-M25 motorway link will be surrounded by 50,000 new homes and a number of retail and leisure developments connected to the existing high-speed rail line to St Pancras.
Minister for Alternative Land Creation Sir Herbert Hummington said: ‘We have wasted countless years on planning a new crossing between Essex and Kent. One day we want to build a bridge over the river, and the next day we want to tunnel under it – it turns out that the answer has been staring us in the face. We are going to copy the Dutch method of reclaiming a huge area of The Thames, and it will then be filled in to create a new section of land that can be used to finally make the M25 a true orbital motorway that our forefathers dreamed of. There will no longer be an unnecessary A-class road breaking the chain. Tunnels and bridges are becoming more and more troublesome – the current Dartford Crossings have been closed four times this week already and it’s only Tuesday! Some genius thought it would be a good idea to move half a power station across once of the busiest stretches of road on the planet the other night, and it’s like they were just laughing at us all along the way.’
We asked Sir Herbert what would happen to the river between the reclaimed land and the North Sea. He said: ‘The Thames will still exist from Dartford and through London to Gloucestershire. The stretch of water from the reclaimed area to Southend will be known as the Kent-Essex Waterway during construction, and then local schoolchildren will be challenged to come up with a new name once it is finished. The money saved from closing down the Thames Barrier will be used to raise Canvey Island by a few inches for safety reasons, and the proposed Thamestown development will still go ahead as planned. With the DP World SuperMega Port operating now, there really isn’t going to be a need for ships to carry on up the Thames into London.’
Unfortunately, residents and business owners in Southend On Sea are concerned about how the tides will be affected by cutting the Thames into two pieces. Local tourism chief Michael Draebridge said: ‘If the new development means that the tide is always in, this will be fantastic news for our town. Anything that stops morons from wading two miles out to sea as they think they can beat the tide back has to be a good thing, and it will free up the local RNLI lifeboats to start dealing with boating emergencies instead of low-IQ situations.’