Unlike this aircraft, the planes at Southend could soon be getting a lot bigger.

The transport industry in the South East is in a state of shock after it was announced that the owners of Southend Airport have purchased Stansted Airport, and they immediately announced that the two will merge to create a SUPER AIRPORT in Southend On Sea. It is thought that the merger will create around 100,000 new jobs, and it will also connect South Essex to the majority of the planet within a single flight (possibly split in two via Amsterdam).

A press conference was called at Southend Airport this afternoon, and it was widely expected that the main topic of conversation would be the much-expected new route from Southend to Maidstone (the so-called Thames Hopper). However, in a shocking turn of events, the CEO of Southend Airport Holdings Aviation Ltd announced that a full takeover of Stansted Airport had been completed ‘behind closed doors.’ Sir David Kerosene sat down with our chief reporter shortly afterwards.

He said: ‘We are delighted to announce that we have purchased Stansted Airport with the profits generated in the last year from the catering outlets within our own terminal (we are not able to give exact figures at the present time for confidentiality reasons). This is what you would call a ‘lock, stock and barrel purchase,’ and this means that we are now in a position to move all buildings and facilities from the current location up somewhere in North Essex or Hertfordshire or whatever.’

Sir Kerosene continued: ‘The main reason for buying Stansted Airport was that we are desperate for a longer runway at Southend so that we can handle bigger aircraft, and it is well-known in the aviation business that Stansted has a really long one. Provided that the local council allows us to relocate/demolish the town of Rochford and compulsory purchase the Tesco Superstore on the A127, we can simply lay Stansted’s runway tarmac right here in Southend and we’re good to go. Without these new facilities, we would be condemned to a lifetime of flights to the South of Spain and anywhere else where it’s basically just Blackpool with heatstroke.’

We asked Sir Kerosene if local residents should be worried about the additional noise that extra flights will generate, and he was understandably adamant that it wouldn’t be a problem. He said: ‘People who are currently in a high-noise area don’t need to worry – these are probably homes that will need to be moved around a bit so that we can lay the new runway anwyay. Besides, when they moved into the area, it was already blindingly obvious that someone would buy a much bigger airport and move it down here – this will continue to be our main legal argument.’