Will there be anything to put in the planned museum, other than lots of artwork showing shiny and unrealistic Southend projects that will never happen?

Plans for a new multi-million-pound museum on Westcliff seafront are in turmoil today after borough chiefs realised that not only does Southend not really have anything interesting in its past, but more worryingly there probably won’t be anything too fascinating in the future as well. Local Southendian fundamentalist groups have slammed the announcement, and behind closed doors they are frantically rifling through the worlds entire database of historical events to find something with a link to Southend.

Bert Municipal, head planner for the museum project, said: ‘Things got so bad at our meeting last week that someone actually suggested giving the remains of the Saxon King the entire site – but the problem is that most local people just think of him as the awkward bugger who stopped a new wider road being built. We are preparing an exhibition called ‘New Stadium – A Century Of Nearly There’ which may keep people engaged for five minutes if we are lucky.’

Nigel Estuary is adamant that a new museum should be overflowing with fascinating exhibits. He said: ‘We have the longest pleasure pier in the world, which is longer than any other similar structure on the planet, and on a global scale no other places have a pleasure pier that is as long as ours. What about our airport? What about a three-hour audio-visual extravaganza about the science behind shared space with a narration by Dr Brian Cox? Our leaders are being incredibly short-sighted here!’

In a late development, Southend News Network can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that the new museum will become a permanent exhibition of all of the artist’s impressions and big shiny drawings depicting unrealistic and over-the-top Southend projects that never actually happen. The news will come as a blow to local tourism officials who are still reeling from a trainee accidentally changing the Southend Pier slogan to ‘Our Pier Is On Fire’ a few days ago.