A middle-aged couple from Hockley in Essex have confirmed that their current programme of noisy and generally totally unnecessary home improvements has no planned end date in mind. 

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to Southend News Network while moving a hired cement mixer or pneumatic drilling station or something equally ridiculous onto their driveway, Diane and Michael Fochwit said that they won’t rest until their house has doubled in value, before tearing it all down and starting again. 

Michael said: ‘Every week, we go around our 3-bed house and try to find insignificant but f*cking noisy and inconsiderate odd-jobs that could probably wait until our neighbours’ young baby has got into a regular sleeping pattern.’

‘We did panic last Thursday when we realised that nothing was really outstanding, but thankfully I was able to get hold of an industrial power washer from Southend Airport to give my car a good seeing to as it was getting a little bit dusty.’

‘I noticed this morning that our conservatory could be a bit rounder and pointier, so we have a few different companies coming in to give us quotes. We’ll probably go with whichever firm promises to cause the most inconvenience to others in the street.’

Busy but ultimately really, really bored wife Diane added: ‘Michael works full-time during the week, but there’s always plenty to be getting on with in the garden.’ 

‘Our lawn never gets longer than 0.2 inches per blade, and I have appointed myself as our local neighbourhood garden ambassador so that I can pass on my horticultural wisdom to everyone who needs it.’

Michael added: ‘We took out a 14-day hire on a JCB yesterday. I don’t really know what I’ll do with it yet, but the local authority said that we can have temporary lights put outside that will bring Hockley to a standstill while I spin round and round on it like a loon.’