A Turkish pigeon has been telling Southend News Network about how he was forced to flee his home land and start a new life in Essex after the recent political unrest in the country – as he was born without any vocal cords he was involved in the recent failed coo.
Umit Flap is now living in temporary accommodation while Southend Borough Council assists with his application for asylum, and he told our Chief Reporter that he had no choice but to fly over here.
He communicates in Avian Makaton with the assistance of an interpreter.
He said: ‘I have spent my whole life being unable to coo, squawk or chirp, and when the recent uprising failed in Turkey I was informed that I was on the list for imprisonment over my links to the radical cleric Mufti Tupenzabag.’
‘I have settled into life in Southend reasonably well, and the local council has found me a comfortable studio flat – they are also meeting the costs of my interpreter as there are only three humans in Europe who are competent in Avian Makaton.’
‘My only complaint is that I have been subjected to daily verbal abuse from people in the High Street – someone called me a ‘winged bastard rat’ yesterday.’
‘I am also being extra-careful when I choose somewhere to land. I caught one of my testicles on a spike on the roof of Sports Direct this morning – someone had already warned me that they were a bunch of tossers.’
A spokesperson for the right-wing organisation Essex First confirmed that a protest is planned during the annual Southend Carnival.
Southend Division Leader Nigel Goebbels said: ‘Southend Council are a disgrace. Are kids are struggling to learn in schools with all these different languages in class, and the council are inviting all these foreigners over here.’
‘This pigeon is from Muslamic Turkey, and Turkey is right next to Syria – I bet nobody has run the proper background checks to see if it has been radicalised.’
‘One of our foot soldiers noticed him behaving suspiciously in Priory Park the other day. He kept bowing his head to the floor and lifting it again like he was praying to Vishnu.’