A spokesperson for Microsoft has confirmed that Windows 10 is designed to detect fear before running automatic updates that paralyse a computer for seven hours.
The Seattle-based computing giant’s VP of Software Integrity Clippy Schmidt met our Chief Reporter to explain why their latest operating system usually decides to put a little spinny update circle when you are desperately trying to carry out a ten-second printing job three minutes before a deadline.
He said: ‘Every version of Windows 10 has our proprietary URM built-in – this stands for ‘Urgency Recognition Module’ and it works in conjunction with your system’s webcam to detect that look in your eyes when you know that you are pretty much f*cked if your system doesn’t boot up straight away.’
‘Our research has shown us that this sort of situation is the best possible time to drop that week’s vital security fixes for issues that we thought we sorted out last week but hadn’t – it gives users a chance to step back and take a few moments (or weeks) to contemplate the true role of IT in modern society.’
‘The URM can detect fear, anxiety, rage and a combination of all three via the webcam and microphone. Heavy breathing is one trigger point, and Cortana can also recognise muttered phrases like ‘come on you piece of sh*t I’m presenting in ten minutes.’
‘Our psychologists have also told us that resetting the progress percentage over and over again just before it reaches 100% gives our customers the reassurance that we are doing a thorough job protecting their safety.’
We spoke to PC World to see if they had any advice for people who are looking to buy a new Windows system.
South Region Retail Manager Avi G Norton said: ‘We agree with Microsoft on this one. An automatic update is usually the best time to make a quick cup of tea, write your entire memoirs, and just generally make sure that your loved ones will be financially secure in the event of your untimely death.’
‘We also need to make customers aware that failing to purchase anti-virus software at the same time as your new system can have dire consequences.’
‘If you just stick with the free one that comes with Windows 10, your laptop may decide to murder your whole family in your sleep or have rough angry sexual intercourse with your pet guinea pig.’
‘Alternatively, you could just go for a Mac instead, but this would involve a second mortgage and a lifetime wearing a silly hat and calling everyone ‘darling’ while you look busy writing in Starbucks.’