In a passionate speech about a fresh approach to tackling mental health issues in Britain, Prime Minister Theresa May said that the Conservatives were probably only fixing the mental health sh*tstorm that they helped to create in the first place anyway.

Mrs May took the opportunity to outline a range of new initiatives that are designed to eradicate the stigma that is attached to mental illness. 

She said: ‘To be fair, our programme of austerity cuts has probably increased instances of anxiety and depression ten-fold, so it was probably time to take on the role of big caring bastards and sort it all out.’

‘While just shouting ‘pull yourself together’ may have had some success in the past, it is now clear that we need more joined-up thinking, cross-agency collaboration, and a whole variety of other buzz phrases that I haven’t really looked into yet.’

‘It’s time that we made it clear that there is no shame in admitting that you have a mental illness.’

‘Just the other day, a fellow MP came up to me and told me that his seventeenth buy-to-let property in Essex had fallen through and it had left him feeling very down.’

‘How many other JAMs are laying awake at night and worrying about similar property-related issues?’

‘I was proud to get him the help that he needed.’

‘I often become anxious when choosing the best possible pair of trousers for a particular meeting. The struggle is real.’