A 24-year-old man from Southend has admitted that he has installed a fucking ridiculous exhaust on his Subaru Impreza Wankwagon because he was bullied as a child.

Modification enthusiast Nathan Fin De Cloche told our Chief Reporter that waking up sleeping infants in built-up areas at 1.30am is satisfying to the extent that he actually achieves sexual arousal.

He added: ‘It has always been my ambition in life to spend £20000 on a £2000 car, and I find that the ladies love it – well they always hang around it until they see me get in anyway.’

‘I suffered terribly at the hands of bullies when I was in secondary school, and although I just hid myself away at the time I have found now that the best way to show them how far I have come in life is to drive a car that sounds like it is farting whenever I reach speeds of more than three miles per hour.’

‘Weekends are great fun as well as me and my new car mod mates all go and hang around in a car park somewhere while talking for hours about how we all have the same fucking car.’

‘We all take it in turns to put Kanye West on for the benefit of everyone else at the meet and a ten-mile radius.’

We asked Mr Fin De Cloche to show us around the rest of his car and explain some of the other modifications that he has made.

He said: ‘This button activates something called a nitrous tank, enabling me to reach speeds of around 190 miles per hour.’

‘This comes in really handy in a country where the speed limit is 70 miles per hour.’