The mother of a 31-year-old man from Southend has been talking to our Chief Reporter about how her son has decided to talk entirely in quotes from the East End gangster movie Snatch. According to Margaret Hampton, he feels that he sounds ‘hard’ as a result and also that nobody will mess with him. 

She said: ‘Daniel has seen the movie 150 times now, and I think that he may need to buy another copy on DVD as the original is close to being worn out. This all started a few weeks ago when I congratulated him on finding a new job and he said ‘pull your tongue out of my arse mum.’

‘He then turned to his step dad and called him ‘a silly fat bastard’ and I told him to watch his language. He didn’t seem to care and just replied: ‘in the words of the Virgin Mary, come again?’

‘It was only after three days of this behaviour that I realised that he was talking entirely in quotes from Snatch. I looked it all up online and apparently 15% of British men over the age of 30 now talk Snatchlish to a certain degree – apparently my son falls into the ‘extreme’ 3% category who now can only converse in soundbites from the film.’

‘It’s beginning to cause some real problems in his personal life now. He split up with his long-term girlfriend last week after he accused her of being ‘as Jewish as she is a f*****g monkey.’

‘The whole argument started a few days earlier when he had her healthy dog put down at the vets. He just put poor little Princess on the vet’s table and said ‘open the f*****g dog.’ The vet protested and said that it wasn’t a ‘tin of beans’ but my son didn’t want to hear it.’

‘The final straw came yesterday when he just spent 30 minutes talking incoherently with a thick Irish accent about caravans and how apparently ‘I bought it how I saw it’ – I literally had no idea what he was talking about and I kicked him out for his own safety.’

We spoke to Dr Douglas Head, a behavioural psychologist from the University of Canvey, and he told us that conversing entirely in Snatch quotes is becoming a huge problem in British society. 

He said: ‘More and more people are watching this film without realising that it isn’t a documentary – Alan Ford in reality is a versatile actor whose eyesight is far better than the milk bottle-thick spectacles would suggest on screen.’

‘I have contacted Mrs Hampton and passed on my details if she would like me to sit down and treat her son properly. As a precaution, I have distributed his picture to all of the livestock dealers in Essex – at this stage of his illness there will be very little to indicate exactly how far it will develop.’

We cut our interview with Dr Head short when our work experience journalist asked a quick question and he turned to our Chief Reporter and said: ‘f**k me your girlfriend got a voice now has she? And who might you be sweetheart?’

Shortly after our interview, Daniel was savagely beaten up by a nine-year-old girl.