A man from Southend has pledged £500 to Comic Relief on the condition that they all just fuck off and let the BBC put the snooker on. 

Shortly before 9pm on Friday evening, 47-year-old Dave Spodge called the main fundraising telephone number to make the generous offer to a shocked operator.

He said: ‘I watched about fifteen videos of usually funny celebrities trying desperately to give the impression that they give a toss and that’s when I lost my shit.’

‘The actual funny bits were pretty awful as well. That one with Terry Wogan is usually a lot better.’

‘If they take me up on my offer, it could probably buy a few vaccines or something, or some sort of anti-aircraft missile launcher with the right paperwork.’

‘Perhaps all of these celebrities could just stick a couple of grand in and save us the hassle of having to endure their B-material.’

‘To be fair, I would have probably sat through this if my eldest daughter hadn’t have conscripted into Red Nose Day at school today.’

‘£2 to have the pleasure of spending £20 to get her looking like a fucking tomato. Bargain.’