A 23-year-old man with a modified Ford Fiesta from Southend On Sea Has admitted that he is baffled and ‘incredibly concerned’ about the lack of female attention that he is getting. 

According to Nathan Spark of Fairfax Drive, he is currently getting laid with roughly the same frequency as when he used to drive an nice sensible Vauxhall Corsa. 

He told our Chief Reporter that he may have to resort to using buses in order to meet girls. He added: ‘Ever since Southend Borough Council took out an injunction on cruising meets and similar gatherings, I have been forced to just drive around town for hours on end and just pray that a couple of ‘the right girls’ happen to be hanging around at a set of traffic lights.’

‘I have spent more than £20,000 on my £7,000 Fiesta, and it’s all for nothing. An accessories dealer told me that my purple headlights would be a guaranteed fanny magnet, but all the pretty girls are too scared to hang around us enthusiasts in case they get arrested. What he hell do I pay my council tax for anyway?’

‘My mate Dave has a 12-litre Fiat Punto and the back seat looks like a painter’s workbench – he lives in Basildon where the council aren’t hell-bent on c*ck-blocking hard-working, law-abiding motorists like myself.’

‘Back in Southend, one bloke did a J-Turn in a 1999 Renault Espace outside a primary school and the authorities just overreacted. It’s a disgrace.’

A spokesperson for Southend Borough Council said: ‘Our car cruise injunction has been a 100% success – all of those blokes standing outside the casino the other night with their bonnets up and Kanye West blaring out were taking part in an open-air Car Maintenance NVQ course.’

‘While we sympathise with Nathan’s situation, we cannot take responsibility for matters of the testes.’