A woman from Southend has been telling Southend News Network about the horror of seeing her husband fall into a COMA while waiting for England to score in their World Cup 2018 qualifier against Slovenia or Slovakia or whoever the fuck.

According to Mandy Jones of Salisbury Avenue, her husband Jimmy stopped responding to her attempts at conversation shortly after half-time, and a few minutes later she called an ambulance after he started to dribble on the sofa cushions that she had just got back from the dry cleaners.

Distraught Mandy said: ‘The paramedics told me not to worry as it was the 27th England-related coma of the evening, but he did advise me that Southend Hospital is on the verge of declaring a Black Alert that will remain in place until England put the c*nting ball in the c*nting goal. This made me feel a lot better.’

As Mandy was speaking to our Chief Reporter, Harry Kane had a sort-of meaningful effort on target saved by the Slovenian keeper, called something long and Russian-like with a few ‘ovs’ and ‘ichs’ on it.

She added: ‘Oooh that almost went into the goal net didn’t it. Did England win the Premier League Cup this year? When’s Coronation Street on?’

’Oh look. That Tottenham guy scored right at the death. It’s a shame that my husband is already clinically brain dead now. It’s probably for the best.’

’He’ll definitely be off to Real Madrid now.’

A source close to manager Gareth Southgate said that he was ‘strongly considering’ going back to selling Bull Boys shoes and Pizza Hut.’