A local Muslim gentleman has confirmed that he would actually quite like to wear a poppy this year, and he has also politely requested that Daily Mail and Express readers should ‘fucking well fuck the fuck off with the hateful shit.’

Speaking to Southend News Network, Ahmed Aziz said: ‘Someone told me to go back where I came from this week, so I popped home to Chelmsford to visit my Mum and Dad.’

’While I was there, I saw some photos of my grandfather who flew a Spitfire in World War Two, and then I remembered that I could wear a poppy in November to commemorate his efforts and everyone else who lost their lives in the conflict.’

’Luckily I have plenty of time at the moment as I have a a few hours free due to not campaigning for Christmas to be cancelled or getting Peppa Pig stoned to death.’

’So I popped down to the local shopping centre and gave a British Legion veteran selling the poppies a couple of quid for a new one.’

’He gave me a pin as well, and for some reason I didn’t get an overwhelming urge to stab him with it.’

A spokesperson for the Daily Mail said: ‘We have received intelligence about a Muslim gentleman actually wanting to wear a poppy with pride, and we promise to investigate it as soon as a journalist is available.’

’All of our reporters are tied up at the moment working on a story about Kate Middleton’s preferences when it comes to sanitary products.’

A statement from The Express said: ‘Is it snowing yet?’