While announcing their annual results this morning that included DOUBLING pre-tax profits to £2.5bn, Lloyds Bank also confirmed that they will be cutting a further 3000 jobs and closing up to 400 branches – taking the total planned job cuts to 12,000. 

A spokesperson for the public-backed and dearly beloved financial institution said that they had been forced to take the drastic action after their profits had officially increased from ‘quite a lot’ to ‘sh*tloads.’

Market analyst Kevin Grossechat told Southend News Network that the decision had been an incredibly difficult one. 

He said: ‘It is a real shame that doubling their pre-tax profits has forced them to close so many branches and cut such a high number of jobs.’

‘However, looking on the bright side, they are just thankful that they didn’t treble their pre-tax profits or more. This would have probably forced them to close even more branches, burn down any neighbouring businesses and piss on the ashes.’

We asked Mr Grossechat if the branch closures were being driven by a drop in customer demand. 

‘Absolutely,’ he said. ‘It’s all moving digital now, and our market research shows that in 2016 there has never been a higher amount of vehicleless 90-year old widows in rural communities with a smartphone and a laptop.’

‘Also, the public stake in Lloyds Bank has caused us a huge range of problems – especially when it comes to their behaviour in branches.’

‘From January to June of this year, more than 100 cases of taxpayers marching into branches and demanding a sandwich were reported.’

‘One incident in Southend was especially worrying. An 84-year-old pensioner walked up to the girl on the travel money counter and asked for a back rub.’