In the same week that it was revealed that Leigh-On-Sea is the happiest place to live, an NHS doctor has confirmed that prescriptions of mood-enhancing drugs like citalopram and fluoxetine are the highest in the seaside town.
These are selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors antidepressants. They affect chemicals in the brain that may be unbalanced in people with depression, panic, anxiety or who live too close to London Road.
Known for its extensive commuter populace, higher-than-thou team spirit and new money coursing through its veins, Leigh is indeed a happy place to live, but is there something dark occurring beneath the false façade of those cockle sheds?
Research by pharmacy giants Incorogalctico suggests that excessive levels of Ibogaine and any other number of wonder-drugs are being imbibed by the happiest people in the UK to keep things ticking along.
This of course isn’t taking into account the number of Leigh residents who don’t believe in the NHS, voted to leave the EU, and are being treated privately.
It is thought that the main reasons for the sudden flux in medication levels is down to a number of key issues including school stress, work stress and the Subway that opened on Leigh Broadway last year.
Dr Nigel Tanqueray, who requested he remain anonymous, said of the news: ‘It’s no surprise that an increasing number of people are turning to drugs in the eternal pursuit of happiness. It happened in the sixties and it is happening now.’
‘The difference of course is that we don’t allow free love anymore. We have a much better standard of living, especially in Leigh-on-Sea, but that doesn’t stop people worrying about keeping the rent on their second homes coming in or if they are clear of the catchment area for certain schools which are known to only produce bad eggs.’
The good doctor also shared with us that 25mg of citalopram are taken per person in the Leigh district on average. He believes it is only a matter of time before the gig is up and people have to search for happiness beyond their children’s achievements.
‘We live in an age when status, rather than knowledge, is power. It is this ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ attitude which is supposed to be part of the problem.’
Tanqueray said that the vast majority of the people who come to him for a prescription aren’t even aware that they are depressed. He added: ‘It’s only when they describe the symptoms of failing to see any point in continuing to take selfies outside the Peter Boat that he can whip up a prescription.’
‘There is only so much anyone can do in this modern age. We are constantly in the spotlight we have created for ourselves and for a lot of people that is getting to be too much. I’ve seen people using hashtags with absolute reckless abandon. This is also seen as being a form of social anxiety and requires immediate medical attention.’
If you think you or someone you know in the Leigh area is suffering from not being as happy as they are supposed to be then why not pop along for some Prozac. The chances are you need it too.