A clean eating chef from Leigh On Sea thinks that she has come up with the perfect way to stop foul-smelling pavement poo in the town – gluten-free dog food that is made from 100% natural ingredients. According to Kate Kaufman, dog poo smells ‘disgusting’ because of the number of artificial additives and chemicals in mass-market pet food, and she is about to launch a huge marketing campaign for ‘Fairtrade Hipster Hound Doggie Chow.’

She said: ‘Humans eat way too much gluten in their diets, and unfortunate our canine cousins are now following suit – I saw someone giving their dog a sausage sandwich outside Greggs the other day and it made me shudder in fear. Canned dog food is packed full of unnatural products that make a dog’s ‘business’ very unpleasant to smell, and even the stuff in Waitrose gives my beloved bulldog Melanie pungent pellets! My brand new Fairtrade Hipster Hound Doggie Chow contains nothing but 100% prime cuts of beef and cinnamon extract, and tests have shown that this gives dogs poo to be proud of. We also have a vegetarian version in the works made from the finest Peruvian Quinoa.’

Kate added: ‘A lot of dog owners are simply too busy to clean up after their little darlings, and so at least on their Kate Kaufman-inspired diet the nice-smelling poo will take some of the guilt away. Fairtrade Hipster Hound Doggie Chow hits a number of local pet boutiques next week priced at £3.99 per capsule, and 5% of all profits are being donated to an outreach project that teaches dogs with behavioural problems how to knit.’


  1. “the nice-smelling poo will take some of the guilt away”

    Ahem. Dog owners don’t feel guilt when their canine craps on the pavement…