With the final plans for Southend United’s new stadium being unveiled, Southend News Network can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that there are two plans that have been put together – one of these will be submitted for final approval after a public consultation process. While the first plan is to construct the entire stadium out of Lego, the other is a slightly more nostalgic option involving a wide variety of Subbuteo accessories. Both of these are suitable for the club’s overall objective of opening a new stadium in stages, and so this is why the general public have been invited to have their say.
The plan involving Lego is rumoured to be based upon a model created by Lego geniuses Brickstand, and construction labour costs will be kept under control with sections built in Duplo by a workforce of 2500 under 5’s. With a view to the future, it has also been confirmed that it will be relatively easy to convert one of the stands into apartment blocks should attendances fall.
However, the Lego solution also has a number of opponents, both on and off the pitch. Privately, some of the club’s current players are concerned that it will be impossible to make a diagonal pass to feet along the ground.
It has also been pointed out in fan forums that Lego stadiums have already been trialled elsewhere, with Leyton Orient’s Brisbane Road being a well-known example.
Future improvement costs are also a concern in the boardroom. While the current design would be achievable with the usual range of pieces, architects have confirmed that upward expansion would need to involve a number of parts that are only available in Millenium Falcon and Death Star sets. UPDATE: eBay prices for these kits have already skyrocketed since we broke this news.
The alternative option to build Southend’s new stadium out of Subbuteo is gathering support from football traditionalists within the club. Unfortunately, many fans are not convinced that this solution will have their best interests at heart, and Jasper Hammer-Shrimper of the Fairweather Alliance of Southend United Supporters (FASUS) is urging the club’s planners to reconsider.
He said, ‘As with all decisions in the world of football these days, it seems that there is very little thought being given to the loyal fans of the club. Football romantics elsewhere will love the idea of a Subbuteo stadium, but us true Shrimpers will have to arrive at least three weeks before each home game to make sure that we can all be delicately placed into our seats. We will need to dress in beige from head-to-toe just so that we can be painted in blue and white, and most of the time the colours will just run anyway and make us look like sweaty blueberries. Plus, nobody has given any thought to what will happen when one of the local cats takes an interest in the away supporters enclosure.’
The Southend News Network has tried to contact Southend United and the players for a comment, but nobody was prepared to speak – all that was confirmed is that the public consultation period begins immediately. A source very close to Daniel Bentley has hinted that the superstar keeper would prefer the Lego plan, and that he feels that having his feet glued to a stick would limit his range of movement around the goal. In a separate development, the laundry department of the club have expressed serious reservations about being able to keep the playing surface ironed.
What do you think? For other rhetorical questions, visit us on Facebook and leave equally pointless comments.
Popular on Southend News Network