A spokesperson for British Revels PLC has confirmed that the orange sweets in bags of Revels are going to be replaced with something ‘far less repulsive’ from May 2017 – the decision comes after a House of Commons Select Committee in September ruled that it was no longer morally acceptable for consumers to be unwillingly exposed to something ‘utterly horrific’ while enjoying neighbouring Maltesers, Galaxy Counters and the raisin ones.
Committee chairman Tom Watson MP of the Labour Party added that it has been his ‘lifelong desire’ to lead the fight against the presence of Orange Revels, in spite of the fact that the issue has led to repeated clashes with party leader Jeremy Corbyn who has confirmed on multiple occasions that he is willing to ‘share a platform with Revels of all backgrounds and ethnic origins.’
Mr Watson said: ‘It has been a long and testing road up to this point, but after many years of lobbying I am delighted to say that this evil will no longer be gracing the shelves of newsagents and supermarkets.’
‘I have received thousands of letters in the last few years from people whose days have been literally ruined by the experience of eating these chocolate-coated orange hate nuggets, and my first recommendation of printing an edible yellow warning triangle on every Orange Revel was rejected on the grounds that it would be too expensive to manufacture.’
‘Although myself and Mr Corbyn have failed to see eye-to-eye on the future of Orange Revels, I am hoping that we can put this business to bed now and move on to collaborate on other policy areas that will get the Labour Party into government by 2020.’
In a brief statement about the announcement, Jeremy Corbyn admitted that while he was ‘disappointed’ about the government ruling on the matter he was also keen to move on to other more pressing issues.
He said: ‘For many decades I have been consistent with my view that every type of Revel has the fundamental right to exist without excessive intervention from outside parties who are intent on what I would consider to be confectionary eugenics.
‘While I am incredibly disappointed with the outcome of this parliamentary review, I have to accept that it is time to move on.’
A number of members of the campaign movement Momentum have already indicated on social media that ‘Orange Revel Solidarity Rallies’ will be held in major cities all over the UK in a bid to get the decision reversed, and we asked a representative of Mr Corbyn if he had a message for any more militant members of this group who may be considering taking aggressive action against the ruling.
He said: ‘I have heard from a number of people who are concerned about plans to form violent picket lines outside the Revel Sorting Depot in Chelmsford and block Revel tankers from entering the facility. I must encourage everyone concerned to protest against this injustice in a peaceful and considered manner.’
‘We simply cannot afford a repeat of the three weeks of civil disorder in 2008 when Yorkies were reduced to six squares.’